"This wasn't how it was supposed to go."
That is the overwhelming thought I hold right now. I suppose it's the planner in me. It's also the fact that I knew I'd never sell that horse and that he'd live out his long days with me. That we'd learn to drive and do proper lead changes and that someday he'd be the wonderful "old guy" in the barn. We were supposed to have years and years left together.
But we don't. And I'm not sure what to do now. What to to with this blog, what to do with the tack locker full of memories and plans that awaits me when I return home next week. What to do with this massive hole in my heart.
I take it a day at a time and some days are better than others. Christmas and it's flurry of activities such as baking and wrapping and reconnecting with family and friends has been helpful in suppressing reality, but I can tell that going home, back to reality, back to the life where I WAS a horse owner, where I planned my days, weeks, and seasons around Junebug, will be quite... well... different.
Since I like to plan - even though EVERYONE keeps saying "you don't have to think about that yet" - I'm trying to get some strategies in place so I don't just end up in a wailing puddle. So, in the spirit of The New Year, a time of renewal, I'm thinking of these things:
1. Take weekly lessons. Renew my confidence that I can ride horses and not just that I knew how to ride MY horse.
2. Ride all of my friends horses. See #1.
3. Get help from friends as I clean out my tack locker, do it when the barn/tack room isn't busy with lesson kids, bring Kleenex. Possibly wine. Consider donating something to a rescue.
4. Remind myself how lucky I was to have found my heart horse at all, a priviledge denied to so many, instead of the dwelling on the complete unfairness of his departure. ....this is a moment by moment struggle right now. It's exhausting.
I had some new decal designs in the pipeline before all this happened so I will be getting back to that eventually. After all, there's quite a big vet bill that still needs to be paid. And yes, it was worth it, even if it only gave me another 5 weeks with him.
I hope the New Year brings you peace and joy and an abundance of warm horse snuffles.