I don't know how I'm "supposed" to feel after this much time, but what I do feel is still a deep sense of loss and longing. I still think of him all the time and at every new equestrian milestone or setback I wish he was still here with me.
I wish HE had won me a buckle. I wish HE had taken me on the trail ride with Stacy Westfall. I wish HE was still out in the field in his December fuzzies with what would have been an incredible mane had I been given the chance to let it grow. I wish I had been able to make HIM into a Ranch Horse. Oh, but if wishes were horses...
But I'm not a child or an idiot and I know he's gone forever. And that still stings.
I re-read some of my posts following his loss. I cried through so many lessons on Lillypony, and to be honest, I'm crying today, too.
I wish I could say that I'm "fine" and that I'm "over it" but that just isn't the case. That horse meant the world to me and it's incredibly unfair that I only got to have him for five years, three months, and five days. He'd be 17 right now and I can only imagine what kind of partnership we'd have by now with four more years under our belts.
I didn't plan to finish this project today but after I started writing this post I just had to DO something. So I finally put his last horseshoe and his nameplate in a shadowbox. I only used five of the six horseshoe nails, to symbolize our 5 years together and that there was so much left unfinished.
I spent too long deciding on a frame and too long deciding on the fabric background (a grey silk noil) and I came to the conclusion that I don't really like it. I'm not sure if it's because finishing it didn't really make me feel any better, or if I just need to do it differently. Maybe I will someday.
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I'm so sorry. I lost my heart horse 12 years ago and I've never gotten over it. It gets a bit more distant, I think of it less often, but I've never "gotten over it." FWIW, I like the framed shoe; that's a really nice idea.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs <3 It's been 5 years since I lost my heart horse, and I still miss him and think about him often. Just know that the pain does lessen and that your heart expands to hold new loves
ReplyDeleteYour idea of creating a physical memorial is a good one. I lost a very special horse - Promise a 10yo mare I'd had only about a year - in November 2001, over 16 years ago, and I still feel bad about it - but also cherish her memory - now. The pain we feel means that they are important, and that we care, and that's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteThe memorial is beautiful. Maybe it's just hard for you to see. He was a special horse and deserves to be mourned. I'm sorry you lost him too soon.
ReplyDelete"I wish I could say that I'm "fine" and that I'm "over it" but that just isn't the case."
ReplyDeleteI don't think we ever 'get over it'; I think the best we can hope for is the strength to carry it.
I totally LOVE the framed shoe; I'm going to steal that idea from you. I'm actually pinning it right now... (hope that's okay!)
Pin away! It's actually where I got the idea myself. :)
DeleteIt never gets easier and I don't think we ever get over it. I miss my heart horse still too. *big hugs to you*
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I lost my mare Tess 7 years ago. Just talking about her still chokes me up and makes my eyes get all watery. They can never be replaced and certainly won't be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had one of her shoes to make something like that. I have a small braid of her mane, a few photos and a ton of memories. Someone in Heaven needed a jumper so I sent them the best one I had. <3 & hugs