The Year of the Horse

Though I've never attempted to pay attention to the Chinese zodiac, aside from the amusing paper placemats at buffets.  But this year, being the "Year of the Horse" I can't help but notice, and it seems to be a cruel irony.  The "year of the horse" is, for me, going to be a year WITHOUT the horse. I imagine this could have been a joyous driving theme for us as this was supposed to be our best year yet.  We had hit our stride at the end of last season, he was performing better than ever, and I finally felt like we could get ourselves into the best shape of our lives for the 2014 show season.  And then he got sick, but I just kept looking forward to that January 7th date when we could get back to work.  I was going to be so ready and thankful for my horse that we would work our collective tails off and by May we'd be ready to show.

But instead, last year must be considered our best year, since there will not be another year for us.
Although, perhaps, if I sit quietly and wonder WHY this must be the Year of the Horse.  I believe everything happens for a reason, so why is the world telling me to celebrate the horse instead of mourn the horse?

Because life must go on.  Because no matter how hard I wish, there is no time machine or magic wand that can bring him back.  So I must keep trying to go forward, even though it's hard.  As Dumbledore so wisely said to Harry when he was found gazing again into the Mirror of Erised; "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

As I mentioned, I am taking lessons again.  I had my first lesson on January 20th.  I felt like a fish out of water.  It's like I didn't know how to do anything.  It felt foreign to do up the halter clip, use two hands to lead a horse, put the reins over the head before removing the halter.  With Junior I could, and most often did, work with him with multiple safety violations.  I don't know why I felt the need to know I could trust my horse to obey without the safety restraints.  But now I need to follow all the proper safety protocols because this isn't my horse, or my bridle, or my grooming tools.  I had to get help figuring out a pad combination so my saddle could fit this 13.2hh pony instead of my 16hh horse.

After a long conversation with the BO about my new horseless riding goals, my anxiety about other horse, my severe out-of-shapeness, etc., so the Sillypony was assigned to Lillypony.  She's new to the barn and reminded me quite a bit of Debon in size, color, gait, and temperament.

I went to mount and she stepped off before my other foot was settled so I got a little spooked (OMG is this walk off leading to a BOLT!?!?... shut up, Overanxious one) but after about 30 feet of walking and I was over the fear of the bolt for now, but then I started to cry.  This is not my horse.  My horse is gone.  After a bit I was able to compose myself and we did a nice walk/trot lesson including a few poles and an Equitation pattern. Both Lillypony and I are rather out of shape so we were allowed multiple walk-breaks.  I shared the lesson with Junior's former Brofriend, Mystic and his owner. I'm sure Mystic shared my longing for a different mount, as Mystic detests all ponies, and we both miss the Bug. I cried again for a bit when I thought too much about how much Mystic must miss him and how his teeth-grinding was greatly lessened when the two bros were in turnout together.

But even with the emotional bubblings, overall the lesson was a good start. BO made the welcome suggestion that I stay with Lillypony for a few lessons until I feel more comfortable, so I expect I'll get to ride her tomorrow in our weather make-up lesson and on Monday in my regular weekly lesson.  I am very much looking forward to my upcoming lessons, but I certainly miss the privilege of being able to ride my horse any time I want to.  I remember when I first got Junior and first experienced that privilege; I was clueless about what to do on my rides!  Oh how much we learned in 5 years.

So, here's to the Year of the Horse.... and Thank You to Lillypony for taking the first steps with me.

At least the view has familiar colors.

Ohai.

Junior's Legacy

I continue to be overwhelmed and humbled by the outpouring of condolences after losing Junior. Between the comments here on the blog, emails, facebook, texts, cards, phone calls, hugs, shared tears, etc., I have never felt more loved, nor have I ever realized how much Junior meant to so many people.  It was difficult for me to respond to each message, because each one made me cry, but I want you to know that every single one of your messages is appreciated.

He was "my" horse, but everyone loved him and I was happy to share him.  I knew what it was like not to have your own horse (and here I am again), and I knew that allowing him to be used in lessons, camps, and leasing him was a way to "pay it forward", or maybe it's pay back?  Either way.

I didn't foresee the impact it would have, which came to a crescendo this week.  We moved to our current barn in November 2011.  The BO mentioned she wanted to start a show series at the barn and the idea became a reality last summer with 5 shows.  I think I rode in 3 of the 5 and was in attendance for part of one more, so I only missed one.  They were so much fun.  I volunteered to run the registration table at 4 of the shows. I showed Junior western for the first one, then English for the others.  One or two shows I shared him with his Other People and he was used by a few lesson kids and in nearly every medal class for the IEA riders.

On Sunday we had our first year-end banquet for the show series.  The BO really outdid herself.  The season awards were beautiful, the venue was great, and there were two huge projection screens showing photos from the shows.  It was hard to look at the ones of Junior, but it was also wonderful to see the ones I hadn't seen before, including his OP lady riding him in Musketeer costume and bobbing for apples at the show I missed.

When awards were given out I was surprised to find out I had won 3 of the classes: Trail, Equitation/Horsemanship Pattern WTC, and Adult WT Equitation.  We also had 2nd in Showmanship, and 4th in Command Class.  We even received a tie for High Point Rider at the first show.  The BO gave us big beautiful tri-color ribbons.  I've never received a tri-color before, and now, thanks to that awesome roan oaf, I have four.

Each time my name was called and I went up to the front to receive the ribbon and have my photo taken, I had a harder time holding myself together.  It was bitter sweet to celebrate how awesome my horse was, while being reminded he is gone and that our success together was over.  Junior's OP each won some placings, too, and his guy won "Shiniest Horse Award" because he had slipped right off him during a bareback class.  I wasn't even there and I don't own showsheen so I cannot be held responsible, but it gave us all a good chuckle and he was a good sport about it.  

At the end of the ceremony.  The BO announced that there was a new perpetual award for the horse of the year.  She said there was no question that it was Junior, that the award would be forever called "The Junebug Horse of the Year Award", and that there would be a trophy in the lounge with each winner's name engraved.  At this point I was not able to hold the tears back and I went up to receive a lovely silver bowl engraved with:

Junebug Horse of the Year Perpetual Award

Glaciers Majestic JR 

Yes, a friend even found me a bottle of pinot named after him.

I hugged the BO while we both cried and the whole room (110+ people) gave us a standing ovation.  I received lots of hugs afterwards and there were many people sharing the bittersweet tears of celebrating such a wonderful horse.  It wasn't until I was on my drive home that I wished I would have asked for a photo with all of the "kids" who'd ever ridden him or worked with him in the summer camps.  It would have been such a huge group.  This perpetual trophy is a beautiful and humbling tribute to Junior's life.

Everyone loved Junior.  Everywhere we went, strangers would tell me how "cute" or "beautiful" he was.  Every trainer we worked with thought he was great and had tons of potential, from my Dressage trainer who called him my "soul mate", to the cow-horse trainer who was impressed by how quickly he went from "WTF are those!" to "Lemme at 'em!" and everyone in between.  The round-pen/behaviorist thought he was very intelligent and responsive, the announcer at the Cowboy Challenge was agog that he was actually an "arena horse" the day we took home 2nd place.  The vets/techs at the equine hospital all adored him. And you all loved him, too, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.  I wish you all could have met him, ridden him, gotten loved-on by him.  

He taught me so much and tolerated so much of my shenanigans, just as I tolerated many of his.  He was the life of the party and the light of my life. I will never have a horse like him again.  He truly was a once-in-a-lifetime horse.  I miss him so much, but eventually I am going to heal, and he will always be with me.

WTF. Learn to Ride!

I ran across this book a few weeks ago while visiting my local Half Price Books....

...I didn't buy it.

Renewal

"This wasn't how it was supposed to go." 

That is the overwhelming thought I hold right now. I suppose it's the planner in me. It's also the fact that I knew I'd never sell that horse and that he'd live out his long days with me. That we'd learn to drive and do proper lead changes and that someday he'd be the wonderful "old guy" in the barn. We were supposed to have years and years left together. 

But we don't. And I'm not sure what to do now. What to to with this blog, what to do with the tack locker full of memories and plans that awaits me when I return home next week. What to do with this massive hole in my heart. 

I take it a day at a time and some days are better than others. Christmas and it's flurry of activities such as baking and wrapping and reconnecting with family and friends has been helpful in suppressing reality, but I can tell that going home, back to reality, back to the life where I WAS a horse owner, where I planned my days, weeks, and seasons around Junebug, will be quite... well... different. 

Since I like to plan - even though EVERYONE keeps saying "you don't have to think about that yet" - I'm trying to get some strategies in place so I don't just end up in a wailing puddle. So, in the spirit of The New Year, a time of renewal, I'm thinking of these things:

1. Take weekly lessons. Renew my confidence that I can ride horses and not just that I knew how to ride MY horse. 

2. Ride all of my friends horses. See #1. 

3. Get help from friends as I clean out my tack locker, do it when the barn/tack room isn't busy with lesson kids, bring Kleenex. Possibly wine. Consider donating something to a rescue. 

4. Remind myself how lucky I was to have found my heart horse at all, a priviledge denied to so many, instead of the dwelling on the complete unfairness of his departure.  ....this is a moment by moment struggle right now. It's exhausting. 

I had some new decal designs in the pipeline before all this happened so I will be getting back to that eventually. After all, there's quite a big vet bill that still needs to be paid. And yes, it was worth it, even if it only gave me another 5 weeks with him. 

I hope the New Year brings you peace and joy and an abundance of warm horse snuffles.